How could I explain the insanity in my mind, I tried to do so with the term wakeful nightmares. I believe I created this term, but who knows. I may have lifted it from someone else like so many things I lifted back in the day, a taker. So many times I have heard that you should put pen and paper by your bed, and on a couple of occasions I wish I had done that, but often I was lacking the execution bones - so I never did. Some dreams vanish in an instant, and it’s amazing how you can’t remember them just seconds after waking up. What I have found equally or perhaps more amazing is that some nightmares are impossible to forget, lasting a lifetime. And so vivid, down to the last detail.
Parasomnia is the Mayo clinic term for sleeping nightmare disorders. There is no medical term, or heck I couldn’t find it in use on google so Wikipedia the term to me, wakeful nightmares - the terrors of our daily lives, that haunt us in a different way. The top causes of parasomnia are stress or anxiety, depression, trauma, medications or substance/drug use. The wakeful nightmares or the inescapable mistakes and bad choices you can’t ever get out of your head are caused by those same things that lead to parasomnia, and can irrevocably change us down to the core. Wakeful nightmares caused by and lead to stress, anxiety, depression and mental issues, poor judgment, bad choices – the cause and effect is circular. And I get to the ‘it’s a cycle or spiral analogy’ for the millionth time in my head, where the addiction and mental health issues lead to bad choices that lead to depression and anxiety and then delusion and more wakeful nightmares, which yields more bad choices and more depression and anxiety and even more wakeful nightmares - the spiral can’t be broken. I think of the artist MC Escher, who I loved and one of my greatest finds was buying a framed print at a garage sale growing up. My Mom also gave me one and a book of his work, the paradox, the confusion, the possibilities, so many things there about why I was first drawn to his work and always have been. Relativity, paradox, transformation, disorientation, here we are.
Sometimes, whether as a child or adult, you resist falling asleep because of the nightmares that will follow. I know kids and grown-ups who would do anything NOT to go to sleep because of the nightmares that would ensue. Over time you are so tired from sleep deprivation, almost to the point of being incapacitated, but have no idea what to do. You don’t want to fall asleep and let the wild things get you.
But then there’s those who can’t get to sleep soon enough, or sleep long enough to escape your daily wakeful nightmares, your reality. Sleep feels like the only way to escape the reality of our actions, decisions, circumstance that engulf us day after day, that mark our lives in ways we cannot erase or change. Over the years, I have loved to sleep so much, its really the only time I felt at ease and just the thought of being able to take a nap or get to bed is so intoxicating because I knew it will allow my wakeful nightmares to go on pause. It’s a beautiful escape.
As the cycle, the sickness grows we reach the point where we just want to lay down one last time, to sleep forever because that is the only way to truly escape the wakeful nightmares, those that haunt us with every beat of the heart, every second on the clock. The wild things of reality that have sunk their teeth into us, have scarred or disfigured us in ways we cannot overcome both mentally and physically.
When we talk about regrets or mistakes, we are talking about wakeful nightmares, some of which may spook, or simply give you the chills from a distant memory. Others teach you a small lesson implanted deep in the back of your mind. Maybe you can take a warm shower and feel at ease again, move past them. Maybe you can grow and learn from them, become better and move forward. Then others are deep in your gut, so entangled in your mind and thoughts that you cannot run from them, you cannot hide, there is no escape or means to wash them away. They are a constant, piercing ring in your head, like an alarm with no snooze, ever present like the sun and the moon. They keep you alert and awake, but at the same time push you to want to sleep more than anything else. They make you tired to the point of unconsciousness. You want to chase them away, run and hide from them but you can’t ever escape.
In sleep we regenerate and revitalize the body and the mind, but nightmares prevent this necessary recharge, further eating away at our mental fortitude, reducing our clarity of thought, our physical state, energy and our vibrancy. Without sleep we become a different animal, one that is weaker, anxious, emotional – lacking balance from a physical and mental standpoint. Wakeful nightmares do just the same as those which cause sleep deprivation. They can grind us down to nothing over time, as a coastal wave can cut through granite rock, not with a single set of waves but over time through constant crashing and eating us away grain by grain, day by day.
Whether you are running in your nightmares or in your reality, can you escape the monsters – some are easy to hide from or outrun, but others are so fast and strong that we cannot outrun them, some have engulfed us to the point there is no escape. How can one stop them from chasing us, how can we escape them? Sometimes it may be impossible. Or even somewhat escaping them means a life of fear and depression, destruction, spiraling and yo-yoing or barely hanging in. Wondering where the monster is hiding, when the monster will strike and what will be the damage. The weight of our lies, our actions, the millions of thoughts and choices over time is powerful. I feel heavy, it feels heavy, walking through it is not only foggy but also very dense and does not feel real. I find things so clear and light when I am asleep.
[Now I have a process to capture that information from my dreams, every morning and wow is it healthy to do, also informative. I also am only sleeping about 6 hours a night and feeling much better than when I was consistently getting 10 hours, taking a break from my wakeful nightmares.]
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