I don’t know if these flashes, bursts are helpful or further tearing me down. They are definitely tearing me up. A downwards spiral, entropy winning - always.
They hurt me down to my core. I feel sick, probably because I know I’m sick, that I won’t make it - all my little tests are failing. Failing fast and hard too, just behind the curtain. The medications that weren’t helping me, those ineffective medications which just brought me side effects…turns out they were helping quite a bit even though I was nowhere but sick then too. All I want to do is cover up and say goodnight. The altitude in another plane bringing me to tears yet again. I get so dehydrated flying.
I need to be back on more (and better yes), but back on the medications. It’s so defeating to come to grips with, to face and acknowledge. U want to smash the mirror into a million shards. The only therapy I can find is writing it out. I stopped that too for no good reason.
So there - Stable as an infection, with a fever rising rapidly day after day. I can’t fake it and it can’t be diagnosed. I’m just allergic to life. She deserves to be healthy. Who needs shoes.
I feel like I have ten Talking Heads in me much of the time. Speaking in Tongues rapidly. So I turn to a favorite song from the Talking Heads and it really sings to me, that I am nothing more than a naive melody stuck in the passage of time. I listen over and over and over. Every chord every verse resonating, shaking me.
I’m just an animal, numb with a weak heart. Roaming aimlessly, looking for a home and I had already found it, just didn’t understand or realize, that I was already there. Her eyes lighting up my life.
From Uwe in high school German class, the short sharp one truly on the edge of a sword, to more school but little learning at Uva, then 2 decades later and painfully, beautifully, finally educated in Paso Robles - understanding hoo I am and what I need to have any hope, chance to mature and ripen. An uva, or a grape just like those harvested present day in the shire and destined to be jam in the freezer so we don’t go rancid. Because we are sweet but also dangerous and full of poison. So much of a life flashes before my eyes.
Perhaps I will finally be out of my own jams, or around the corner who knows, I likely slip up again on more jelly. I had plenty of trouble figuring out what I am but a traube or should I say more specifically a sour, thin skinned uva with little complexity, easily squeezed. And just like those grapes on the vine, I am so affected by the ebbs and flows of the weather and external environment, all the while easily dominated by the arid hormonal diurnal terroir of my mind. Will I punch myself down, will my muse somehow create a beautiful blend through her unwavering, patient and loving touch.
I am left with the notion that I never will recoup what I’ve lost, and it’s unfortunate the lessons couldn’t be learned any other way. Yes I have some chance from here forward, but am more likely than not to be corked yet again. With all the knowledge and want, yet lacking the depth, the discipline and patience needed to yield a worthy product from a perfect harvest. Why won’t the plane just go down.
It’s heavy, it’s a familiar old ton, a heavy familiar weight on top of me, not a new ton.
Newton - I turned yet another W(in) into a L(oss) and my love T always the S(un) and center of my universe, yet I am stuck in an eclipse. Whether I realize or appreciate the pull of her gravity or not. My darkness now locked away in another dusty barrel, time for settling down perhaps, and here we are in what I hope will be my sanctuary, a safe haven. Just like that, Newton becomes Nelson. The clouds are lighter, the air cleaner, the sun warming and energizing, the sounds stabilizing and this may all turn around. But that place isn’t the haven, it is her. For her name is the land, and she is all that I need - the nourishing terroir, the tierra, Tara.
I say it’s the latest escape, the ‘Shire wanting to live free and at peace - another place to run away to. Not to be clever but I like things backwards. Hide and go seek in reverse. I seek to go and hide.
This must be the place, home, it’s where I want to be, someone picked me up and turned me ‘round.
I feel numb, born with a weak heart. Not strong enough to move differently, not able to do anything right.
For so long it was ‘the less we say about it the better’
I’m so lucky you got the light in your eyes, to put my feet on the ground head in the sky... did I find you or did you find me? You didn’t see the dark in my eyes. Always for love never for money. We’ll make it up as we go along. At least I know you will. I don’t know how but you’re still standing here beside me. For some reason I know you will ‘Love me til my heart stops, love me til I’m dead.’ I come home and you always lift up your wing and this must be the place. Instead it's like a landslide.
You are home, where I want to be. Why am I not there next to you for all the passage of time? This is where I’ll be. This must certainly be the place for me.
It doesn’t matter that no one else will understand.
Lyrics – a naive melody This must be the place (Talking Heads, Speaking in Tongues)
Home is where I want to be
Pick me up and turn me round
I feel numb, born with a weak heart
I guess I must be having fun
The less we say about it the better
Make it up as we go along
Feet on the ground, head in the sky
It's okay, I know nothing's wrong, nothing
Hi yo, I got plenty of time
Hi yo, you got light in your eyes
And you're standing here beside me
I love the passing of time
Never for money, always for love
Cover us and say goodnight
Say goodnight
Home is where I want to be
But I guess I'm already there
I come home, she lifted up her wings
I guess that this must be the place
I can't tell one from another
Did I find you, or you find me?
There was a time before we were born
If someone asks, this is where I'll be, where I'll be
Hi yo, we drift in and out
Hi yo, sing into my mouth
Out of all those kinds of people
You got a face with a view
I'm just an animal looking for a home, and
Share the same space for a minute or two
And you love me 'til my heart stops
Love me 'til I'm dead
Eyes that light up, eyes look through you
Cover up the blank spots
Hit me on the head
And ah-ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh
Ah-ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh
Hey
Ah-ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh
Ah-ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh
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