Thank you Larry, for your courage to speak up and telling your story as an example for all of us – whatever we are holding inside, we can learn from it, overcome our past and grow from that lesson. Hope and change are possible and attainable – Just Do It!
I read a thought-provoking article in a similar vein as my recent ‘coming out’ inflection point or realization that I must tell my story in the process of revealing, defeating my secrets and past. The article, from a few days back on CNN.com front and center is about an African-American Nike executive who killed another teen when he was 16. The article is about Larry G. Miller, now 72 years old and has been carrying a deep, dark secret for 56 years. I know how he feels based on the mental health secrets I have been carrying until recently, however his secret is a little different also. I feel a lot of different emotions when reading Larry’s story, and I think that point is significant as nothing in life is truly good or bad, black or white, clean or dirty. That is life, a lot of blurs and a lot of ups and downs. Also, stigmas cause us all to internalize things and that holds significant weight to carry forward. As I just wrote, so many are afraid to speak up about their own mental health issues, so many are even afraid to support mental health causes openly that we are further damaging ourselves.
I look forward to reading Larry’s memoir, Jump: My Secret Journey from the Streets to the Boardroom. Larry grew up in West Philadelphia, like the Fresh Prince of Bel Air but for real, he came up in a tough neighborhood, lived the reality of hard knocks street life with drugs and gangs, and one fateful day on September 30, 1965, he took action on rage and revenge. Larry’s act was to even the score after one of his gang brothers was shot and killed by a rival gang. On that September day, Larry was drunk on cheap wine at the age of 16 and on the corner of 53rd and Locust, he walked up to who he thought was a member of that rival gang and shot him in the chest. However, the man who he killed, Edward White was not even a member of any rival gang. But Edward White died nonetheless, and Larry was soon in prison. Where Larry got very lucky, is by the fact that he was sentenced to 5 years in prison for taking the life of another, I find that hard to believe, and he was tried as an adult in the case too. But its part of the story, a fact that Larry acknowledges as one of a few very fortunate moments in his life. We all need to catch a few breaks along the way. This crime that Larry committed was the product of youthful exuberance in a dark form, poorly directed, misguided retaliation that left 18-year-old Edward White’s young child, pregnant girlfriend and family reeling.
There is very good research and a recent podcast also on CNN about the teenage brain that goes into risk taking and how as a teen our risk-reward scales are heavily weighted towards immediate reward, acting on impulse and how social pressures manifest themselves very differently at that critical stage of life. The research is fascinating when you look at the development of the brain, which at the age of 14, the prefrontal cortex is far from a cooked duck, anatomically and structurally a teen brain is highly distinguishable from that of an adult. And as you may have connected the dots, the prefrontal cortex is responsible for impulse control and decision-making. I relate this back to parts of my own history and the learning, self-evaluation I am in the midst of. I know for a fact that I was creating bad wiring in this part of my brain when I was 12-17 years old. At just the time when I should have been building my methods and process from which sound decision-making would grow, I was doing drugs, gambling, bucking the system and rebelling, committing theft, using deception and being cute, sneaky and cutting corners, pushing the limits. Taking huge risks and creating false reward responses, that always stayed with me and I only further developed the bad wiring into a broadband 5G network of poor choices and alternate reality. As I was going from teen to adult, my brain was pruning as they call it, honing in on all the wrong ways of thinking and creating backwards chemical responses. My impulse issues, compulsion, addiction and lack of cognitive control. But there is so much more to the story and even more which we are yet to understand.
[The podcast is here, CNN series Chasing Life, episode The Mystery of the Teenage Brain]: https://www.cnn.com/audio/podcasts/chasing-life/episodes/4de964ec-d544-4a5a-aa52-ae3c012eb128
Other research on the prefrontal cortex development in teenage years:
But back to Larry and his 56-year-old murder, his redemption and his story. Slain Edward White’s grieving family must have been crushed. I cannot imagine how they pulled the pieces together and survived, and I also cannot imagine why more of the Larry Miller story is about him making amends with the family, examing the impact of his action. But we can talk more about that later. The White family commented that Edward was on his way home from work at the time of the killing and had no gang ties whatsoever. Wrong guy, wrong place, wrong time, and gone wow. In jail, Larry got educated, and he later returned to jail serving another 5 years for drug, extortion and robbery charges, again a blessing that a man who had been on probation after release for a murder charge could have easily been sentenced to 10-20 years. Taking advantage of the education opportunities in prison, which were likely far better than any chance Larry would have if he were still on the corner of 53rd and Locust, he was able to get a college degree. That blessing along with his driven and smart nature (other than killing someone in a snap moment), got Larry into the business world where he held roles with Campbell’s Soup, Kraft foods and Jantzen all the way up to multiple executive and Vice President roles before Nike scooped him up in 1997.
Larry served as VP and general manager of Nike Basketball and later served as Chairman and President of the Jordan brand and then as President of the Portland Trailblazers NBA team. What a rise from the ashes story, in a way his story does show that a little luck, hard work and the American dream is attainable against all odds. After his stint heading the Portland Jailblazers, I mean Trailblazers (the team caught a lot of media scrutiny over the period of time Larry was at the helm for a few run-ins with the law from players, Rasheed Wallace and Damon Stoudemire I believe. Perhaps that stigma and label tying back to his dark secret was a factor in Larry ultimately leaving the Trailblazers https://bleacherreport.com/articles/299192-thugs-r-us-looking-back-at-the-infamous-portland-jail-blazers-era ).
In 2012, Larry returned to Nike and his role as President of the Jordan brand. It all sounds like a fairytale, moving all the way up the corporate ladder after learning tough lessons early in life, an inspiration for others and an example for others that you can change and you can do anything you put your mind to. You are not labeled one thing, you can shed that skin and become anything. That is a remarkable story, but for me what is perhaps even more remarkable is that Larry did all of this with an omnipresent dark secret that he kept inside, thought of every day, was haunted by every day. Sounds like a wakeful nightmare if I’ve ever heard of one, oh yeah I have (See the article on wakeful nightmares here: https://www.mindentropy.com/post/wakeful-nightmares-they-haunt-us-all-day-long-and-we-can-t-seem-to-escape-them
I know exactly how Larry felt, it takes so much energy to hide something of this magnitude every day of your life, the physical and mental toll is unimaginable for most. And it makes you think back with regret as to how much more you could have accomplished or where all that energy could have been more productively focused for all those years. Not to mention the mental and physical pain, as Larry talks of horrific migraines, and the tension, anxiety was often overwhelming as he thought of all that he had worked for in his life being taken away in an instant if anyone found out about his secret. But nobody ever did, and he learned to manage the nightmares, manage the added stress and weight of thinking about Edward White every day of his life. Whether a significant event like in Larry’s case, or thoughts of depression and the power of addiction that you are managing inside, this has a significant physical and mental toll. So much for me that I had migraines almost every day of my life for 20 years, I took a prescription medication Topamax for a few years (and I still get tingly just thinking about the side effects) and tried a number of other things like acupuncture, but my tried and true was always Excedrin. Rough math I would say I have taken 15,000 Excedrins in my life, and for the last year I was taking about 60 a week, that can’t be good. I was an addict of so many things. I guess you could say each Excedrin was me trying to swallow the pain of a $200 loss if you average it all out, one by one. Excedrins were my 10-a-day Tylenol-aspirin ‘crunchies’ as Anthony Bourdain called them during an early pre-Kitchen Confidential interview in the documentary Roadrunner, a key to his daily survival back in the late 1990’s as the chef at the New York City Les Halles. For me there are so many other physical and mental tolls, just as for Larry Miller, just as for so many who are struggling with mental health, keeping a dark secret locked away in their mental dungeon. Headaches, weight gain from stress and stress eating, the liver damage from pill after pill, smoking and the lungs which are surely destroyed at this point, the innumerable impacts of anxiety and then the underestimated loss from distraction in moment after moment, day after day and the lost opportunity that resulted.
But you can only change your future, initiate the effort, activate your team – it all starts with you, but ends with a team - you have to hit the books, hit the gym and make a plan to change for the better. Get a trainer, utilize therapists, professionals and science, engage family, friends others in your circle, within your system boundary all along the way because the role they play is irreplaceable. You are the conductor and must tap baton on the music stand, lift your arms upwards and exhale deeply as they drop to signal your team to being playing their instrument, the music takes everyone together in harmony, the work and energy of a team – life is a beautiful symphony.
Speaking up as Larry Miller did, as so many have done is just the first step. He grabbed the baton and initiated the music. He was quickly supported by his company and from there he moved forward with confidence, strength and support. When you have been knocked to the floor and are woozy, shaken, thinking there is no possible way to get up, reach out your hand and you will find another hand greets you. That hand becomes part of you, pulls forward, and from there you wil find the strength needed to hit the inflection point. Since I have opened up about my issues and sought help, true recovery, I am in a much better place and headspace literally and figuratively, regenerating and repairing. Not to mention noticeable physical measurables in just a short time, we are resilient and the body and mind will amaze you on the positive side just as it has shocked you on the downward spiral previously. Thankfully the liver also recovers quickly and is very resilient – if you were to remove 50% of your liver, in a year you would have a full liver again. If you have damaged your liver from substance abuse, toxins, poor diet, etc. there is hope and change with time. The liver is the only visceral organ with the capacity to regenerate, either from surgical removal or chemical attack. If you really want to geek out on this, there is amazing literature and whether you want to go deep or not – take this point with you, the liver regeneration process is only possible with the concerted effort of numerous signaling pathways and enzymes, hormones, proteins that become activated towards the cause. Growth factors, each a unique instrument, playing together in a beautiful symphony, working around the clock - lets call them growth factors generally speaking because this is not a science lesson today (HCF, c-Met, EGFR, urokinase, Notch-1, β-catenin, and a host of others to be specific). This regeneration effort of the liver is an amazing example of the power within us, but no great task is accomplished singularly, no single growth factor or protein does the job – it takes a team, a concerted effort where everyone plays a key role. Another great example of the importance of identifying, enabling and using your team to regrow yourself. And wow that is a big pile of pills when you step back and add it all up (22 lbs of pills). So a sincere I’m sorry to my Larry Liver – I will work to heal you from here forward, take you into consideration before I act and nourish you properly, well with a little red wine on the side for extra antioxidants. Maybe that explains my spare tire, all those pills just stuck to the sides. There’s a few other big numbers we will get to also, but that’s a story for another day. Pounds of lies and dollars rolling right down the mountain.
I do wonder how many aspects of life I missed while I was so focused on containing the beasts inside me, projecting a different reality to others. Or the people and things I totally avoided or let slip away. I look forward to reading Larry’s book as I am certain there are so many other aspects of his life that were impacted by this secret he was holding inside, physical changes, mentality changes, and now through reflection and capturing those things there is true power and learning. And while it was not an initial focus for Larry, I will get in my time machine and identify those who I have hurt, ignored, walked away from, was unable to help or be there for during my struggles and work tirelessly to make amends. It starts with those closest to me and I will work my way out from there. So many regrets we have, time to make up for. But you have to cross the top items off the list first to get momentum. I have crossed off a few but have much more work to do.
As simple as listening to a song I know I’m finally hearing the music that was always speaking to me, telling me the truth and trying to guide me down a different path. There is so much beauty in music.
Where I really get truly wrapped up in Larry’s story, identifying far beyond understanding fully the nightmares, the feeling of internalizing things like depression, addiction, anxiety, compulsion, or a dark act such as a murder, is in the following words from Larry:
Once he wrote the book of his life, told his story and got everything out, the tension lifted. The fog cleared. I know that thunderbolt epiphany and weight of the world being lifted feeling.
His hope that through telling his story he could offer a fresh look at incarcerated people, show redemption is possible and attainable. Make a positive impact to right his wrongs.
The chance to reach another kid and stop him for taking an action that will haunt him for the rest of his life, avoid the regret that is a heavy weight and destructive force.
I also look at this story as one of growth, repair and forgiveness on so many levels, for Larry but monumentally more so in the family of Edward White. In the article I read, apparently the White family was in contact with Larry and had no hate towards him, which would be so difficult to do. I applaud them and the mindset: “I must forgive in order to be forgiven” said White’s sister Barbara Mack. Wow, that is so strong. Below is a picture of Larry hugging one of Edward White’s relatives in West Philly just a few weeks ago in an unexpected encounter.
And there is a sub-plot of how the book brought Larry and his daughter together, as they co-wrote the memoir and used it as a vehicle for them to heal together over prior wrongs such as when Larry was absent at his wife’s funeral, leaving his daughter alone in a critical time. Larry believes he was so shook that he couldn’t see clearly at that time (perhaps it was just too much with the secret he was carrying at the same time as unexpectedly losing his wife) and he wasn’t there for his daughter and regrets that. But like most things, the relationship was repairable and today Larry’s daughter Lacy is proud of the man her dad has become. Life is long and a windy path. There are many second chances just around the corner so keep on the path and greet them, make the most of them.
When it comes to second chances, perhaps Larry does need a second chance at his process. I do feel he missed on the point about his story more detailing the life and reparations with the family he so surely impacted by taking Edward’s life that day in West Philly some 55 years ago. He carried a secret yes, but he gutted a family with his act, leaving a young pregnant mother, a small child and a family paralyzed. How could that aspect be an afterthought, shouldn’t that be the first thing Larry does after opening up to those around him, go back to who he hurt and make amends? So I believe Larry, while very commendable that he could find the courage to stop hiding his past, he has some growth and perspective to ponder when thinking beyond himself in this respect. Take care of yourself first, sure, but then quickly move to repair those you have hurt in order to take further steps in your process and realization. I am in awe of the picture of Edward White’s family member hugging Larry – that gives me hope that we can overcome anything, truly. That moment and embrace, forgiveness, change and acceptance is truly marvelous and unexpected.
The final point I will make about Larry’s story is this, not only a story of redemption, but also a story of misconception. Many times the things we get in our head are incorrect. Don’t forget that, even the things you may be so sure and certain about. And no I am not saying Larry was a victim and the killing was not his fault or he shouldn’t have been fixated on the act for his life. I am not saying that at all. While early in his career Larry lost out on a job for his forthcoming telling of his past, that his past would punish him and hold him back forever, he took that initial experience and characterized it as a steadfast truth – so he locked the secret up deep inside him, waited far too long to tell his story and open up. He carried his secret for over 50 years. He was fearful based on that early career experience, but decades later, when he finally opened up to his friends and family, executives at Nike and the NBA, the reception was very positive and he was applauded for opening up. His story helped him, and will surely help countless others directly and indirectly. Perhaps he could have done so much earlier, and could be looking back on 20 years of making a difference from telling his story then vs. today. That may be another regret for him, but at least he did open up and have the courage to tell his story for himself and more importantly for others – perhaps catching one ear or one eye and preventing another tragedy or years of pain. Any chance of preventing another youth from throwing away their life, showing that someone who has been incarcerated or committed a terrible crime can learn and change, those are very powerful things that can propel all of us forward as a society or be the difference for a single person who is lost and feeling alone, hopeless.
There are so many aspects of Larry Miller’s story that tie into the mental health journey and issues we face today. Misconceptions in our minds, the fear of revealing something to others whether a tragedy or weakness, the weight of what we hold in can be paralyzing, and what someone has on the inside can be far different than what you envision or ever imagine. An African American Nike executive, President and Chairman of the Jordan brand, who is also a cold-blooded killer – there is no way that is true, impossible. And I don’t mean cold-blooded killer because of his deft jump shot, he took another man’s life, not by accident either. That is the story of someone serving a life sentence, in a cage forever, no chance. Wrong again, life has a great way of humbling us all. Again, misconception and assumption – why wonder when you can know, help others feel secure to reveal who they are, open themselves up and tell their story to get the weight off of their chest and conscious so they can move forward. That is not a singular process, it may seem so, but we all have a part to play in creating an environment that enables comfort and confidence, support to open up and confide in one another, know we will be accepted and helped, not belittled and shunned. We need each other and we are not alone, we will regrow and regenerate from any pain or damage, making beautiful music along the way.
While Larry’s story shows you can survive holding in dark secrets, managing anxiety or depression, other mental weights, you will never thrive holding those things in. And the difference in survival and thriving can be remarkable, can also be the difference in critical moments or times for you. So help yourself, help others in the process and put those internal weights on the table, out in the open to move forward.
Larry spoke up and took the first step towards growth, change and repair. You can do it also – don’t delay, Nike says it best, simply Just Do It!
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