I have looked into twitter quite a bit recently and it’s a beautiful surprise where the mental health community feels stronger than I ever imagined. People are willing to put themselves out there on twitter, as its still somewhat safe and the support level is off the charts. #mentalhealth is rockin’ 24/7 truly. Various mental health and addiction recovery, suicide
prevention hashtags are over 200 tweets every hour of every day, and it is beautiful that so many are able to find a more comfortable way to express their struggle, see that they are not alone, find support without the stigma. Twitter may have the ultimate purpose of community-building and stigma steamrolling in the mental health arena. There is much more to break down about the twitter mental health community, the psyche behind it, how twitter can perhaps be our white knight, or Jack Dorsey perhaps. He understands like many high-profile executives just how critical mental health is to even the most intelligent, put-together, successful people. Their struggle is real, for all of us. And this article shows the issue may be more prevalent at such pressure-cooker boardrooms and high-powered businesses and corporations, with entrepreneurs. Then we will detail one specifically, Zappos founder Tony Hsieh.
First lets zoom out at the issue specifically around entrepreneurs and founders, the high-performing type A personalities. And there is that carnival mirror again. A façade is so common to see, look at Melissa Bernstein from the business Melissa & Doug, she says it was all a lie, an exhausting process of perfection projection, an inability to be true to ones self, be a human. Denying an internal voice and listening only to the external world, a widening divide between who you are and who you have to be. It can be crushing for so many. Rand Fishkin is another one, a salmon trying to swim upstream against a powerful current. Pleasers and providers who need just what they give, but are silent. Not sleeping, back pain, short-temper, increasingly negative, losing that decisive power, dissolving fully like an alka-seltzer hitting a glass of water, half-empty for sure. Somewhere between 25 to 33% of the adult population will experience mental health issues, for the titans of industry, the white-collar successes, entrepreneurs and founders population that number jumps to 49%. Chasing so many things but running around in circles and unable to escape or accomplish anything on the inside. Too proud to speak up, reach out the hand for help as it would go totally counter to all they have built. Jelani Memory is another prime example, smart, good-looking, popular, athlete, magnetic personality, the center of every party or gathering. Never alone. He wanted to sleep all the time, drained from the exhausting façade. Behind the office desk crying, in the car crying after another corporate conquest.
"Most of it he paved over, for sure," says Sean Tittle, an architectural designer and one of Jelani's closest friends since the age of 6. "You love this person next to you, but you can help only if they reach out. It's hard when you're holding those secrets inside and projecting that happy face."
Some are able to escape, thankfully, and a few even have the epiphany of listening to their internal voice, sharing their emotions with others and understanding their true purpose and ability to make an impact. A counter-intuitive and opposing-forces dominant lesson finally understood. There is optimism in the stories here to balance all the tragedies, many of these entrepreneurs have harnessed their talents to make a hugely positive impact for others – enlightenment, therapy, self-healing quickly turns into new companies aimed at life change with a different product and wisdom – LifeLines, Good Life Project, childrens books about anxiety, how to manage mental health and avoid suicide, racism (A Kids Book About Racism, A Kids Book About Anxiety, A Kids Book About Suicide), Happify. And in other endeavors truly appreciating the how things get accomplished and the culture and approach to sustainable business relationships, workforces and crushing the prior ‘take-no-prisoners but leave dead bodies scattered about’ mentality of success in the business world.
These people are just amazing, now addicted to a new drug.
"The very thing I thought would prevent me from having these close relationships," she says, "was the thing I needed to develop them."
THE STAKES ARE HIGH and the impacts broad. Consider the following list: Ilya Zhitomirskiy, co-founder of Facebook competitor Diaspora; Don Cornelius, founder and creator of Soul Train; Aaron Swartz, co-founder of Reddit; Jody Sherman, co-founder of Ecomom; Matt Berman, founder of Bolt Barbers; Austen Heinz, founder and CEO of Cambrian Genomics; Faigy Mayer, CEO of Appton; fashion designer Kate Spade. All were fabulously successful entrepreneurs. All battled mental illness and depression. All of them took their own lives within the past decade.
While there are so many famous minds we have lost, the stories are all around us, I want to talk about Tony Hsieh, another example we can learn from but perhaps the lesson faded away without action, again. Tony Hsieh, 46, his death was no accident. He just lost the internal battle of self-destruction and could no longer run or chase. Harvard graduate in computer science, founded internet advertising company LinkExchange (sold to Microsoft for $265 million), CEO of Zappos (sold to Amazon for $1.2 billion). His parents immigrants from Taiwan, mother Judy a social worker and father Richard a chemical engineer. He breathed life into so many business, even the Las Vegas downtown re-vitalization which was a project for him, yet he was losing his breath and zest for life, giving what he had when we was finding nothing for himself.
Tony Hsieh’s death could have been a ‘misuse of candles’ or a propane heater or discarded cigarettes and marijuana. But I know how Tony died, the fourth theory is the winner here:
“carelessness or even an intentional act by Hsieh could have started this fire.”
Tony had just buried his dog Blizzy a few days earlier, and I can relate to that also when in January 2020 I buried my son and dog Cooperberto January 13, 2020 and was in the midst of some of my darkest days, with even worse days and nights just around the corner. Wakeful nightmares and parasomnia teaming up. You never know what things will be the tipping point one way or the other.
Preparing for a trip to Maui the morning of Hsieh’s fire event that led to his death, I see a chilling quote that reminds me of the criticality of just a few minutes in this life (5 More minutes is a song by The War and Treaty that I have written about previously). For Michael and Tanya Trotter, 5 More Minutes was the begging cry from a wife to her husband for just a few more minutes to convince him that he should continue to live, not take his life ending the suffering from PTSD, depression, financial troubles and come up with a different plan. Tanya implored her husband, give her a chance to show her love for him is a reason to continue living, and in 5 minutes she could convince him that living was the answer. That same statement 5 More Minutes for Tony Hsieh was response to his brother that he wasn’t quite ready to head off to the car for a trip to Maui. Instead, for Tony, he had another plan and just needed a few more minutes to make his final preparations to end his life. 5 Minutes to live, 5 minutes to die. What a chilling parallel I find, another just minor coincidence in all of this journey I am on right, no chance.
At 3:20 a.m., Hsieh’s brother, Andy, checked on Hsieh to tell him that the limo had arrived to take them to the airport. “Five more minutes,” said Hsieh, according to the fire report. A minute later a smoke alarm went off, and fire crews were called to the scene as a blaze took hold of the shed.
While the shed fire didn’t kill Tony instantly, he suffered burns and smoke injuries that put him on life support for a week before he died just after Thanksgiving in 2020. That was just a few days before my 41st birthday in Puerto Rico, that same Puerto Rico that Tony and his friends had visited a week before the shed fire, where Tony’s beloved dog passed away unexpectedly. Circles within circles.
I listened to a podcast from 2017 about Tony Hsieh on ‘How I Built This’ and learned quite a bit about him professionally, another story of right place, right skills and right time, hard work and making your own luck in the moment, Tony had a few Click Moments and he made a fortune at a very young age through an internet advertising business and then Zappos the online shoe retailer known for top-level customer service and support. That path to fortune was not remarkable to me at all, the only piece of the story that sticks is this quote at the end of the podcast: “you get to a point where you are truly ok losing everything you have” (speaking in 2017 about how he lived in an airstream and didn’t need a mega-mansion or all the material things, however he was likely offering up more of his mental state and approach to life at that point – a small peephole into his darkness if you are very attentive. For it was widely known that Tony had a dark side, addiction issues going back to his early 20s.)
And it takes me back to the wise words of David Choe again, another Korean, a sage, another mental health and wrecking ball addict who said that at some point everything got mixed together for him, led to gray paint, that everything lost value and he had no conscience or care for the world, himself or anyone else. Many sufferers of mental health issues such as depression and addiction know just this point, but many of us only know the point that comes next far too often in the form of suicide.
Tony was playing with fire on many levels, other profiles about his life clearly show a destructive personality and someone who was never satisfied, something was missing and he was chasing happiness down a circular path leading to only internal confusion and despair while exuding calm and control externally. That night and at many points throughout his life Tony was surrounded by candles, addicted to the flame; I laugh at my addiction and OCD around candle-making that overtook me for many years living in California – perhaps I was once in the top quartile of Southern-California wine bottle candle-makers, using only the finest organic beeswax, soy wax and pure essential oils. Hand-cut artisanal, one-of-a-kinds or one-of-a-fews. Those candles smelled wonderful, the wax therapeutic for the skin and the flame flickering through the green glass, mesmerizing. Cranking out 40 candles a weekend about once a month, I don’t see that as an issue, the real issue is that we had more than enough raw material to keep the business afloat (and my yields were consistently about 33% from the hot-and- cold-water scoring process). Did I mention hand-sanded, US-made end-to-end? The business made tens of dollars, gross, but the real joy was the gift of giving the candles to friends, co-workers. I also think back to so many nights in our California home out in our back yard where we had an amazing firepit and tv setup by the hot tub, countless hours were spent out there. Perhaps 10,000 hours to qualify us all as experts in the art of California relaxation and communal therapy. Night after night, sharing the medicines of laugher, wine, music and figuring out all of life’s meaning for dear friends. All the while I was the one who needed the advice, help and support but I was closed off, no oxygen getting to my flame, telling myself I was fine and that I should focus on others. My fire was slowly dying out, the embers of warmth and energy now growing cold and ashy. I was suffocating myself day by day. But the flames were beautiful and magical there also - so I can see how Tony felt about small fires and candles. The importance of having people in your life that are willing to tell you the truth, is critical, but more critical is opening yourself up to those people to not squander the opportunities of advice and support while you have them and have a chance to change.
Yet Tony was playing with ever larger and more significant fires in his mind also, a high-functioning addict and highly successful entrepreneur, yet his true downward spiral is thought to have begun in December 2019. To those closest to Tony, the troubles started years earlier, but from 2019 on, things began moving faster, becoming more distorted and he was sliding down the mountain, losing his ability to wear a mask, hide and gave in, up.
Never enough, never ever enough, enough does not exist – he would always be chasing is what his closest friends would say. And at the end it all seemed to be part of his plan, exiling himself from the people around him willing to tell him the truth, give him energy and support, instead encircling himself with enablers. And again, David Choe’s words ring true “A disease of more” referring to his dear friend Anthony Bourdain. Those diseases of more, always seeking, consuming yet still malnourished when it comes to fulfillment, tied to ego and the chase, usually don’t end well. Great men and women chasing whales only to be swallowed up by Munko.
Here I go back on my soapbox finishing the Forbes article:
Hsieh’s death was met with profound and widespread grief, from Las Vegas to Silicon Valley and across the world. From Jeff Bezos to Jewel, politicians, celebrities and business leaders expressed their sadness over the passing of Hsieh, whose book, Delivering Happiness: A Path To Profits, Passion and Purpose, expounded his belief that happiness is achieved by focusing on spreading joy to friends, employees and customers.
What did all those multi-millionaire, billionaire friends do beyond grieving – was this enough of a signal to take action, contribute to mental health and suicide prevention in a measurable and significant way? I don’t think so, because we can’t break the stigma and resistance to act. WE haven’t even begun to understand how to do so in many cases. Those reacting to his death also shared stories of Tony’s impact on his employees and complete strangers, he was a very generous man. Trying to make up for what was inside him I would guess. An outward mission to create happiness and community, he even wrote a book Delivering Happiness: A Path to Profits, Passion and Purpose, but unfortunately that was lost in the end, a chase that could never truly bear fruit for himself.
Forbes went on to write more about Tony’s life and the Nine Inch Nails cringing on the chalkboard downward spiral. As early as 2014 friends went different ways and saw his deterioration coming, powerless to find an inflection point for Tony.
Perhaps I stand corrected when it comes to Jewel, she took action upon realizing Tony’s downward spiral however he was not at a point of listening. And many other friends attempted interventions for Tony, but those are never successful if the target is not willing and able to love themselves, believe in the effort and change. From the move to Park City, the company he kept later in life and his actions during the spiral, Tony was set on his mission and it was not about recovery. Many of those who either attempt or commit suicide never believe they have the power, no confidence in the ability to change, that the dark entropy is an inescapable force and why bother. Another brilliant Harvard graduate and light of the world, lost in his own darkness. Signs were apparent, but that doesn’t mean change can be attained, for example an addict may always find vehicles to support their direction, even Hsieh’s digital detox in 2020, another way to isolate himself as he slipped further away. This was no detox, it was another facet of his toxification. Alcohol, drugs, whippits (those are fun for just an instant, too bad they don’t last more than 5 minutes), but all those great escape from reality were just so short-lived.
“I am going to be blunt,” she wrote in the letter, the content of which was shared with Forbes. “I need to tell you that I don’t think you are well and in your right mind. I think you are taking too many drugs that cause you to disassociate.”
She continued: “The people you are surrounding yourself with are either ignorant or willing to be complicit in you killing yourself.”
More of the story is all-to-familiar, Tony had an addictive personality, was chasing and blazing a trail of despair like a roadrunner in the desert. The cliché and paradox is abundantly clear and as I write further, read further, dive into my new addiction, its another chapter of the same book, another viewing of the same book. Tony Hsieh was a workaholic, alcoholic, drug user, addicted to stimulation, creativity and innovation, so many things as many addicts are. The addiction jumps from one thing to another, and sometimes lands on unfortunate means. For so many years he was addicted to accomplishment and perhaps also in ‘improving the human condition’ as stated by Fred Mossler a confidant and former executive at Zappos. The only human condition he could not improve, was the one right in front of him in the mirror, which does bear this as a true tragedy. So many others have suffered the same fate, this is a great read by Angel Au-Yeung and David Jeans.
5 More Minutes, a disease of more, everything losing value, chasing happiness but always coming up empty, internalizing destruction and despair while projecting the true opposite, addictions of all flavors, a creative and innovative mind, fixated with light and overcome by darkness, another tragedy. I am seeing too many of these connections in my research on the mental health learning journey.
Jack Dorsey @jack – I’m coming for you and your support, I love your passion for giving and making society better – you truly are a role model in this light, also your courage to speak out for putting your money to work and taking #smallsteps and with your creation of a mental health refuge in twitter. While many have bashed twitter in the past, they should dive in and really see all the beauty happening every minute of every day for the mental health community on the twitter platform. WE need to take small steps and giant leaps forward for mental health. Everyone is so into health eats these days, but the most powerful nourishment I am seeing consistently thus far in my mission has to do with all the healthy tweets. Look it up, very positive and amazing but so much more is needed. #healthytweets sounds so #wordivating
Twitter truly can be the safe nest and haven for mental health sufferers, I see it today and know there is much more here to be accomplished with the platform and creator.
I would like to see so many other titans of industry take a stance on mental health in one way or another, put their immense resources towards this important cause, one that has so many tangential benefits in our society’s future.
Comments